The Watering Hole

[determined2]

 Hi All ...

Grief ... losing a loved one and dealing with that grief is, IMO one of life’s toughest challenges. 

I recently lost my mother and the grief is profound.   Death is inevitable and we’ve all been through it.   Everyone has their story. 

I’ve been my mom’s primary care giver over the last seven years.  It was the most challenging responsibility I’ve had in my life and I’d do it all over again in a heart-beat if I had the chance.  I came to see it as a true blessing and I felt honored to be able to say … Mom, I love you and now it’s my turn to care for you.   My mom was the kindest, most joyful and loving woman I’ve ever known.  It was best summed up by a friend who said “the world has lost a gentle soul” upon hearing of her passing.  My mom’s memorial service was held on her 79^th birthday.   Bittersweet indeed. 

Although we were very close, we were separated by thousands of miles over the years.   I became my mom’s caregiver when her health began its decline and fortunately I have a loving and supportive husband who made it all possible.  I had the chance to get reacquainted with her all over again and to enjoy the time and the woman I missed so much over the years.   She was pure joy despite her numerous medical and physical challenges.  She never complained. 

The weeks following her unexpected passing were like an out of body experience, watching the world go by in slow motion.  There was a constant buzz in my head … much like in the movies when someone is losing their mind.  I’d lose my composure at the silliest things and would not be able to control the tears seeing something that would make mom smile.   

People ask me … are you back to normal yet?  I stop and ask myself, “after 7 years, what’s normal?”  Life as I knew it came to a screeching halt the day mom arrived.   Life became a challenge beyond my comprehension , but then again, it was Mom, so it was all do-able.   Where do you begin to find “normal” again?   When your life meant being on call 24/7 for so many years … when it was all about caring for another person, the feeling of being lost is inevitable.  

The buzzing in my head has stopped, but the sadness is a constant.  A friend recently told me, “I wish it weren’t true, but the pain of your loss will never go away”.    I’m taking one step at a time, and then one day at a time.  I’ve never felt so lost without really being lost.  I’ve never felt more alone, even when I’m with people.  Losing your last living parent, truly makes one an orphan regardless of their age.  But losing a mom ... thats a tough order. 

If you'd care to share, I’d like to know how you’ve found your way though your grief.  Its a lonely road.

Thanks!  

d2

[NJinOK]

Hi, Determined!   I can't fully relate to your situation -- fortunately for me, my Mom is still going strong at age 93!    But, my Father passed away suddenly at age 88 back in December 2003, just a couple of weeks after my parents' 58th wedding anniversary.   I am an only child and my sole focus at the time was helping Mom get through it.   I didn't allow myself to grieve then.   Still now, eight years later, I sometimes lose my composure thinking about Daddy, something he did or said, or something that would make him laugh or make him mad.    I almost always lose it when someone plays the song "Bridge Over Trouble Water."   Would that be happening if I'd let myself grieve back then?   Who knows.   I think your friend is right about the pain of the loss never going away -- but what I have also experienced is that with time, the pain loses its sharpness and the happy memories become stronger than the pain.   Eventually you make peace with it.   I remember one day on the farm when some menacing storm clouds came up -- Daddy wanted to get the cows in and we learned that the new "herding" dog was afraid of storms -- Daddy drove our new car out into the pasture and herded the cattle in with it.   I can still see this in my mind's eye and it always makes me laugh and remember what a kind man Daddy was.   And when I think about it, I realize that Daddy would want me to remember him, but not be too sad -- he always made it clear to me, my whole life, that there was nothing more important to him than my happiness.    Have you thought about what your Mom would tell you about getting through this difficult time, and what she would want you to do?    I am so sorry for your terrible loss, and hope that peace will find you soon!   Best wishes, Nancy

[savgigi]

Dear D2, I am so sorry for your loss. I took care of my mom for a few years, too,and she and I got very close during that time. I still miss her as I know you will miss your mom for years to come.

Please accept my condolences.

[billsreef]

Sorry to hear about your Mom. The only way I've found through the greif is the passage of time. I lost my Mom to a battle with Melenoma. Techincally she won the battle, but that battle aged her by about 30 years. She got a good 5 years after the removal of a brain tumor, and all the lymphy nodes on one side. However, the last year was horrible for her as her body just started quitting on her and her mind went. By the time the end came, it was with a mix of grief and also relief that her suffering was over.

[Suzzzie]

I am so sorry for your loss.  There is no pain like losing your beloved Mom.

My Mom passed away a little over 5 years ago...the pain never goes away, but it does get easier as time goes by.

My Mom had pre-arranged her funeral in every detail...following is the verse she chose for her memorial card at the funeral home.  I find the words comforting at times when I find myself missing her more than usual...they makes me cry, but at the same time, I can hear my Mom saying these words to me and the sting of her loss doesn't hurt quite so much.  I hope you can find comfort in the words as well.

When I must leave you for a little while,

Please do not grieve and shed wild tears

And hug your sorrow to you through the years,

But start out bravely with a gallant smile;

And for my sake and my name

Live on and do all things the same,

Feel not your loneliness on empty days,

But fill each waking hour in useful ways,

Reach out your hand in comfort and in cheer

And I in turn wll comfort you and hold you near;

And never,never be afraid to die

For I am waiting for you in the sky.

Hugggs,

Suzzzie

[SueSmith]

Let me add my depest sympathy to you at this sad time. A friend have given me a copy of this when my beloved dad died. I found it very comforting, and hope it will give you some small comfort.

Take care,

Sue

 
I am standing by the seashore.
A ship at my side spreads her white sails to the morning breeze
and starts for the blue ocean.
She is an object of beauty and strength,
and I stand and watch
until at last she hangs like a speck of white cloud
just where the sun and sky come down to mingle with each other.

Then someone at my side says, 'There she goes!"
Gone where? Gone from my sight - that is all.

She is just as large in mast and hull and spar
as she was when she left my side
and just as able to bear her load of living freight
to the places of destination.
Her diminished size is in me, not in her.

And just at the moment when someone at my side says,
'There she goes! ' ,
there are other eyes watching her coming,
and other voices ready to take up the glad shout :
'Here she comes!'

[determined2]

A sincere thank you to all who shared their story with me!   Navigating each day after losing a loved one is difficult. 

Thank you for your kind thoughts, words and poems!  Grateful to all of you.   

d2

[talvie]

D,  I'm so sorry to hear of your loss.  May you find peace in the fact that your mother's memory will always be one of gladness for having had her in your life, and may you come to the point one day when remembering her will make you smile, not make you sad.  She sounds like a true gift. 

A 69 year old friend of mine, after caring for her 94 year old mother for many years told me, "It's always too soon to lose your mother."  I recognized the truth in that.  It's always too soon, especially when someone has been a light in your life.

[TrevaC · Accepted solution]

---

determined2 wrote:

 Hi All ...

Grief ... losing a loved one and dealing with that grief is, IMO one of life’s toughest challenges. 

I recently lost my mother and the grief is profound.   Death is inevitable and we’ve all been through it.   Everyone has their story. 

I’ve been my mom’s primary care giver over the last seven years.  It was the most challenging responsibility I’ve had in my life and I’d do it all over again in a heart-beat if I had the chance.  I came to see it as a true blessing and I felt honored to be able to say … Mom, I love you and now it’s my turn to care for you.   My mom was the kindest, most joyful and loving woman I’ve ever known.  It was best summed up by a friend who said “the world has lost a gentle soul” upon hearing of her passing.  My mom’s memorial service was held on her 79^th birthday.   Bittersweet indeed. 

Although we were very close, we were separated by thousands of miles over the years.   I became my mom’s caregiver when her health began its decline and fortunately I have a loving and supportive husband who made it all possible.  I had the chance to get reacquainted with her all over again and to enjoy the time and the woman I missed so much over the years.   She was pure joy despite her numerous medical and physical challenges.  She never complained. 

The weeks following her unexpected passing were like an out of body experience, watching the world go by in slow motion.  There was a constant buzz in my head … much like in the movies when someone is losing their mind.  I’d lose my composure at the silliest things and would not be able to control the tears seeing something that would make mom smile.   

People ask me … are you back to normal yet?  I stop and ask myself, “after 7 years, what’s normal?”  Life as I knew it came to a screeching halt the day mom arrived.   Life became a challenge beyond my comprehension , but then again, it was Mom, so it was all do-able.   Where do you begin to find “normal” again?   When your life meant being on call 24/7 for so many years … when it was all about caring for another person, the feeling of being lost is inevitable.  

The buzzing in my head has stopped, but the sadness is a constant.  A friend recently told me, “I wish it weren’t true, but the pain of your loss will never go away”.    I’m taking one step at a time, and then one day at a time.  I’ve never felt so lost without really being lost.  I’ve never felt more alone, even when I’m with people.  Losing your last living parent, truly makes one an orphan regardless of their age.  But losing a mom ... thats a tough order. 

If you'd care to share, I’d like to know how you’ve found your way though your grief.  Its a lonely road.

Thanks!  

d2

---

Hi d2.  I'm sorry for not writing sooner to express my sympathies, but please know you have been in my thoughts.  You see your note touched a very tender spot in my heart, as I also tended to my mother (along with my sisters) for over a year before she passed on.  My mother has been gone for nine years now, but at times the grief is still overwhelming.  The last year of my mother's life was awful.  Due to dementia and depression, she just gave up on life and basically grieved and starved herself to death.  We did what we could do, and her passing was peaceful, but that year still haunts us with what ifs.

Today marks exactly 26 years ago since my father died.  Though he lived a few hours after suffering a massive heart attack, which gave us time to say our final good-byes which I am so thankful for, his death was still very sudden.  Though it's been 26 years, there are still moments when I still grieve his loss, in part because I was very much a daddy's girl.

I tell you all this because I want you to know that the pain does ease and the memories become sweeter, but there will be times when grief will still come...sometimes quite unexpected and sometimes harder than others.  Whenever the grief comes, allow yourself to grieve, as this is all part of the healing process.  Of course, death is also a part of life so it is inevitable for all of us.  Personally, I have a strong faith and know that I will see my parents again some day, and with that knowledge my pain turns to joy.

Bless you d2.  May your peace increase day by day, and may your days be filled with joy.

[determined2]

Dear Talvie & Treva,

Just wanted to say thank you for taking time to reply to my post.   I know its going to take some time.  It's great to have your support! 

d2